Exercise:

Read through the instructions in their entirety before doing this exercise – it can be helpful to do each time 

Use a stopwatch – and stick to the timing – do not deviate from this structure

Flip a coin to choose who speaks first

One person speaks for 3 minutes – The speaker speaks about what s/he feels is most important, in the clearest way possible, so that the listener can hear it

The listener only listens and does not say anything during the 3 minutes

After the 3 minutes the listener gets 1 minute to try to say back the message as accurately as s/he can, to reflect the speaker’s message (not to add her/his own perspective), so that the speaker knows that the listener understands

If the speaker feels the listener missed something, or didn’t understand the message, the speaker can speak again for 1 minute, to try and redeliver the message

Then the listener can then try again for 1 more minute to reflect

Switch Roles – Now the speaker becomes the listener, and the listener becomes the speaker

Do this role switching until there is a mutual feeling of understanding or until one participant asks to stop. If one participant feels like stopping it is very important to honor this and take a break – do not push through – do not ask for explanation. Set a specific time to talk in the next day or so.

Ending: Each person says to the other “thank you for sharing your world with me!”

Further Directions for Speaker:

Your intention is to reveal yourself - to be known/understood/seen/heard – the most important question is: how can you best communicate your experience?

Try your best to focus on how you feel, as opposed to talking about the listener (especially be careful about assuming the listener’s intentions, motivations, and values)

If you feel you must talk about the listener, try to start with a statement which acknowledges that you are making assumptions – such as: “In my story, you _______” or “It seems to me that you ____________”

Don’t use your words to try to change manipulate or control the listener – this will detract from the true connection – instead you might say “I feel like I want to change you”

Stay as precise as you can – stay as close to the truth as you can – don’t exaggerate or embellish – stay away from words like “always” and “never.”

Further Directions for Listener:

Your intention/job is to understand how the world/situation looks from the speaker’s eyes - Stay open and interested - Don’t become internally defensive - Don’t mentally argue with the way the speaker is presenting things (even if the speaker doesn’t adhere to the suggestions above) – Instead try to see as (s)he sees – It is not useful to spend energy maintaining your position or trying to be right

There is 1 thing the listener can say: “Can you help me understand that more fully?” (this must be sincere if asked)